Why My First Kiss Was on My Wedding Day

Kissing is Beautiful in the Marriage Context

I grew up around kissing; my Papa and Mama demonstrated it regularly for all their children to see. When I was still in the pigtail stage, I’d tease them by exclaiming “gross!” But secretly, I didn’t think it was disgusting. When I was in the braces stage, I’d look the other way—but secretly, I delighted in the inexplicable security that came from seeing my parents kiss. And eventually, when I was in the “I-guess-maybe-I’m-an-adult-now?” stage, I’d smile at my parents’ romance and hope for the day when I, too, had someone to kiss. After years of observing it and now 5 months into practicing it myself, I can say with certainty that kissing is a wonderful gift. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine {Song of Songs 1:2 ESV}.” 

Kissing Outside of Marriage Risks Temptation

So I grew up around kissing, but I also grew up being taught to save my kisses for marriage. I was encouraged to wait for that time when I had joined together with a man in the covenant of marriage—and only then to kiss my man. “Marriage [is] honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge {Hebrews 13:4}.” Once I grew past the pigtails and braces stage, however, I began to understand more fully why it might be a good idea to wait on kissing. And on the day of my wedding, when Joel and I had our first kiss, I understood even more. “So this is why we waited!” Joel and I said to each other.

  

Scripture doesn’t say that kissing outside of marriage is a sin; nor do I believe for one moment that unmarried kisses are sin. Nevertheless, God has a lot to say about lust, fornication, and adultery—and none of it is good. He warns against even a hint of such things {Ephesians 5:3}, and He commands us to flee youthful lusts and follow the things of God out of a pure heart {II Timothy 2:22}.  Jesus raised the bar on sexual immorality when He said that just lusting after a woman was committing adultery with her {Matthew 5:28}. Wanting to kiss is a natural desire—but acting on that desire outside of marriage opens the door to temptation and can easily lead to sin. “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren {James 1:14-16}.”

Love Your Neighbor, not Kiss Your Neighbor 

One of the greatest ways Joel loved me (and I'm not just talking about romantic love, but also the second-greatest-commandment-love-your-neighbor kind of love) in our 19-month “pre-married” relationship was by exercising self-control and not kissing me. Likewise, this was a way I showed my love for him. For us, kissing each other at that point would have been purely selfish—fulfilling our own personal desires, knowing full well that the satisfaction and fulfillment of those desires would give birth to sin. As a sinner saved by the blood of Jesus Christ and operating under the astounding grace of God, I certainly had the liberty to kiss before marriage. (Remember? It’s not a sin.) But as I matured from my reasoning of “my parents say I shouldn’t and it’s gross anyways” to “I want to kiss this man that I love so much, but I also earnestly desire to walk in the Spirit,” I realized that my flesh and the Spirit are at war. “For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not [use] liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, [even] in this: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." ...I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish {Galatians 5:13-14, 16-17}.” 

I Waited Until My Wedding Day to Have My First Kiss Because I’m a Sinner

Notice that I didn’t say I “saved” my first kiss for my wedding day. Nor was there any mention during our ceremony that our public kiss was also our first. By waiting to kiss until August 30, 2014, Joel and I were not proving that we are Christians on steroids, or that our purity exceeds that of all the other Christians who have kissed before their wedding day. 1 John 1:8 says, “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” If our deliberate choice says anything about us, it says that we are sinners who fall and fail every single day. It says that we recognized the war going on inside of us between the Spirit and the flesh, and that we wanted to give no opportunity to ourselves to sin.

Were we nervous about our first kiss (in front of 420 people no less!)? Certainly. Was it awkward? Not in the least. It was one of the sweetest, most romantic moments of my life—and it only got better from there. Have you considered waiting to kiss until your wedding day? I ask you to prayerfully consider it—not as some legalistic expression of holy, pious purity, but as a meaningful way to love your man (or woman) “as yourself” and as a practical way to avoid the progression of sin. It’s worth the wait! 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Photographs from our wedding taken by the incomparable Christa Taylor

From Someone Who's Been There

Guest Post by Ruth

Four Essentials to Prepare for Marriage & Motherhood

Ruth and her husband Chris on their wedding day.

The Lord has taught (and is still teaching!) me a lot of wonderful lessons through being married and having children. My husband is truly the man of my dreams! He has a heart for the Lord, compassion for others, and skills beyond what I will ever know. Thankfully the Lord has used my husband to sharpen me to be a more godly woman. I can’t imagine what I would be with out him. I had attended my church since birth (my Father is the Pastor), and I was very involved with children’s choir, teaching junior church, the decorating committee, singing in the choir and Bible studies. Then one day a very handsome man began attending our church. The short of the story is that we were family friends for 2 years, courted for 9 months, were engaged for 7 months and were married on a beautiful summer day in 2006. We now have two young children—a 3 year old and a 3 week old. Here are four of the more important lessons that God has brought to my attention through the experience of marriage and children.

1. Love your family

God has placed you in your family for a specific reason and He knows this is the best family for you to grow in. No family is “perfect” and always easy to love because we are all sinners. It is our choice to love them. “And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling savor.” (Eph. 5:2) Be a sweet smelling savor to your family in your actions and attitude. Loving your family is God’s sovereign training ground for you in regards to the potential husband and children He has for you. This is a test of our faith—we have to trust Him in this. If you’re not happy now, then getting married won’t change your happiness later. Spend time with your with your parents and find ways to encourage your siblings. Your success at home now is your gauge of how prepared you are for your own family later.

2. Make your hands useful

Your single years hold valuable time to advance your skills and talents. The woman of Proverbs 31 kept her hands very busy, working willingly, sewing, shopping, helping the poor, cooking, etc. All of these skills take time to master. Don’t make the mistake of “preparing later.” Now is the time to keep your hands busy serving in your church, family, and community. If God leads you to marriage, you will be prepared—and if He does not lead you to marriage, you will not be found “just waiting around.” Instead, your years (and your future) will be full of bountiful blessing. Once you marry and have children, your time serving others and learning new things will be limited. I love the Ephesians 5:16 command to “redeem the time.”

3. Be selfless

Ruth's son, Leo, and daughter, Jacquelyn.

One of the greatest things God is teaching me in being married is to humbly think of my husband and children first. This can be extremely difficult. We constantly think about what we want, what we need and what brings us joy. Breaking the selfish habit is one of the best things to prepare for marriage. We are commanded to submit to our husbands who are under the authority of God. (Eph. 5:21-22) There have been many times when I acted selfishly and it always ended in unhappiness—and I mean always! When I am humble and act selflessly it gives me peace, makes our relationship sweet, gives me true joy and fulfillment, and most importantly it radiates the beauty of Christ to others. “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.” (Eph. 4:2)

4. Love the Lord your God

“And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.” (Deut. 5:6) What a wonderful verse! If we follow these simple and precise instructions there is no doubt you will be prepared for what the Lord brings to your life. Our main goal as believers is not to focus on whether we marry, where we work or what school we attend. Our main goal is to daily seek God’s will for our lives. Love God with all your heart and follow His will—there is no doubt you will be where He wants you. When I first met my husband we both unknowingly made a decision to not flirt with each other. (Do we want flirting to be what attracts our soul mate?) Instead we focused on serving the Lord and seeking a deeper relationship with Him, knowing that if it was the Lord’s will to bring us together He would make it happen no matter where we were. Having a sincere and growing love for the Lord made the relationship with my husband even richer.

When I was single I memorized a verse that directed me through school decisions, relationships, courtship, and now marriage. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.” Hold fast to this amazing promise where ever the Lord leads—and watch it come true for you!

As I have gotten to know Ruth, I have been so blessed and impressed by her shining love for the Lord and heart to minister to others!  Ruth lives in Washington state with her husband, and children. She was born and raised in a God fearing home with 2 sisters and 5 brothers.  Ruth loves to encourage and bless people, have coffee with sisters in Christ, sing, garden, decorate for almost anything :), hike, play tennis with her husband, play golf with her son, and shares a passion for giving young ladies a vision of living for Christ in every area of their lives!   Be sure to check out her blog, Becoming Beautiful, and also her ministry website for young ladies, where you can find information about upcoming conferences and retreats.   

Called to Deny

Photo Credit

“’For Christians, every day we're called to a life of biblical self-denial,’ [Alan Chambers] says. ‘We take up our cross and follow Christ, and we deny what comes naturally.’ But he says denial isn't without reward: ‘Those who reject the concept of self-denial haven't reaped the joys that come with it.’

“Self-denial isn't a new concept to Chambers. The 39-year-old president of Exodus International—a Christian ministry that helps people struggling with homosexuality—grew up in a Christian home but embraced homosexuality as a teenager. But through years of an active gay lifestyle, Chambers couldn't shake the biblical conviction that what came naturally to him was also sinful. He didn't want to be gay[1].”

Whether you call yourself a Christian or merely a “good citizen” with moral standards and codes of ethics, you choose to deny yourself every day. You deny yourself the the wish for those luxuriously supple leather shoes because you cannot afford them and you will not steal. You deny yourself the temptation to eat the last slice of double-layered chocolate fudge cake because you know your daughter will want a piece when she gets home. You avoid those friends with wrong influences, refrain from illegal drugs, and don’t pull a gun on the woman who cut in line—all because you believe in right and wrong to some extent or another.

And whether you like to admit it or not, your moral code is inextricably based on God’s moral code—His standard of absolute right and wrong laid out in Scripture and imprinted upon our conscience (see Exodus 20). For denying ourselves is not evil—it is good, and something which everyone but sociopaths and psychotics have come to terms with in one way or another. Christians, however, are called to habitually deny themselves, not because they believe themselves to be good, but because they recognize their own sin natures and rely upon the strength of God to live blameless and harmless in the world.

Although there are many moral battles for this generation, the truly current moral battle is that of homosexuality. 2011 was the first year that a majority (53%) of Americans stated that they believed homosexual marriage should be recognized by law[2]. 56% of Americans now believe that homosexuality is morally acceptable, a number which has steadily grown since the 2001 number of 40%[3]. On our watch, we have played the audience to the runaway success of homosexuality, debuting as "morality" and receiving widespread acclaim from critics.

Homosexuality, however, is morally wrong. God, through His Word, has declared it to be such. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God (I Corinthians 6:9-10)." Homosexuals are not created differently and then unjustly turned on their head by a god who has a personal vendetta against their orientation. No, they are created in the image and likeness of God, just as I am, and they are born with a virulent sin nature, just as I am. They must deny their sin nature each and every day, just as I must, and they should be treated with the same compassion and support as I am by those who keep me accountable. Homosexuality is no different than theft, addiction, libel, bribes, or adultery--except that many of these sins are still deemed immoral and illegal by those around us.

If you are a Christian, then recognize God’s Word for what it says, and hold up that standard of Truth with love and mercy. Defend morality against the onslaught of media, politics, and liberal churches. Do not base your definition of morality upon the whims of culture, but upon the unchanging and infallible God of the universe. Stand upon God’s Word and act now: for future generations. 2012 is a year of crisis, a determining factor in this millenial battle of good versus evil. Furthermore, if you live in Washington State, you have a special task for today.

A bill (Senate Bill 6239 and House Bill 2516) is making its way to the House and Senate floors which would cause “Washington [to] join New York, Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont and the District of Columbia in legalizing gay marriage. The state has had a domestic partnership law since 2007, and an ‘everything but marriage’ law since 2009[4].”



People line up outside an overflow room for a
Senate committee hearing on SB6239 that would legalize
same-sex marriage, Monday, Jan. 23, 2012, at the Capitol
in Olympia, Wash. (AP Photo/Ted S. Warren)



 One of the variations of the bill being considered would even require couples (whether straight or gay) to take each other as "spouses" instead of as "man and wife" in marriage[5]. The bill would also add a discrimination section to the Washington Marriage Code, raising the potential for future litigation of “discriminators”[6].

The liberal sponser of the bill, Rep. Jamie Pederson, D-Seattle was exhorting his supporters, but what he said has much relevance to the Christians as well: "I want to re-emphasize that we fully expect that this issue is going to end up on the ballot. People should not be complacent [7].”

Washington State needs your prayers and your action. Please use this simple form below to email your senator and representatives. And please proclaim morality in 2012.

Photo Credit: Chris Moncus. Used by permission.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

[1] Dean, Jamie. "2011 Daniel of the Year: Alan Chambers: Change We Can Believe In." World 17 Dec. 2011. http://www.worldmag.com/articles/18908.

[2] Newport, Frank. "For First Time, Majority of Americans Favor Legal Gay Marriage: Republicans and Older Americans Remain Opposed." Gallup Politics. Gallup, Inc, 20 May 2011. http://www.gallup.com/poll/147662/First-Time-Majority-Americans-Favor-Legal-Gay-Marriage.aspx

[3] Jones, Jeffrey M. "Support for Legal Gay Relations Hits New High." Gallup Politics. Gallup, Inc., 25 May 2011. http://www.gallup.com/poll/147785/Support-Legal-Gay-Relations-Hits-New-High.aspx.

[4] Corte, Rachel La. "Washington Has Enough Votes to Legalize Gay Marriage." The Associated Press. The Associated Press, 23 Jan. 2012. http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_XGR_GAY_MARRIAGE?SITE=NCAGW.

[5] Faust, Rebecca. "Family Policy Institute of Washington - Washington’s Voice for Families - Senate Committee Will Consider Substitute Bill." Family Policy Institute of Washington. Family Policy Institute of Washington, 22 Jan. 2012. http://www.fpiw.org/about/family-policy-blog/senate-committee-will-consider-substitute-bill.html.

[6] Fuiten, Joe. "Pastors, Are You Ready for a Gay Wedding in Your Sanctuary?" Family Policy Institute of Washington. Family Policy Institute of Washington, 17 Jan. 2012. http://www.fpiw.org/about/family-policy-blog/pastors,-are-you-ready-for-a-gay-wedding-in-your-sanctuary.html.

[7] Corte, Rachel La. "Washington Has Enough Votes to Legalize Gay Marriage." The Associated Press. The Associated Press, 23 Jan. 2012. http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_XGR_GAY_MARRIAGE?SITE=NCAGW.

Mirror, Mirror of My Heart

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I look into the mirror,

And I don’t like who I see.

An awkward, blemished person

Who cannot really be me.

I claw my skin and look in;

My filthy heart is rotting,

Is heinous like none else,

Is sin-clogged, hardly pumping.

I turn away, disgusted,

To beautiful Jesus' gaze.

His eyes show no repulsion

As His pierced hands touch my face.

He strips all my ugliness;

He swathes me with His beauty.

He carves out my foul, sick heart;

A newborn one He gives me. 

I smile into the mirror,

And I see Jesus, clearer. 

I go with Him; the old me

Is left beneath the mirror. 

A Lost Heart

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This is a sad story.

But it didn’t start out badly at the beginning, five or six years ago. At the age of fourteen or fifteen, Papa took me out for dinner to one of the nicest restaurants in town. It soon became clear that this was no ordinary meal, and our conversation began to trend towards a topic we had discussed many times since I first began stringing words together. It was the topic of giving my heart to my father and committing to leave it there until the time I give it to the man I marry. I had graduated in understanding from the time I grinningly sang, “I Want to Marry Daddy When I Grow Up” to signing a commitment that night to mark my vow of purity. As a special gift and reminder of my commitment, Papa strung around my neck a beautiful gold necklace with a delicate heart charm, a heart with a keyhole inside of it to which my father has the key. And I have worn it every chance I have had since then.

Last night, sitting in my room, I unclasped my purity necklace and slid the chain off my neck as I do every night after I wear it. But the chain caught in my hair, and as I pulled it free, the heart charm was propelled into the air, and my own heart sank. I spent half an hour on my hands and knees, getting to know intimately every inch of my carpet, and I shook out everything that could possibly have been the landing place of my little charm. All to no avail. Then came the prayers, then the tears, and then more searching. I finally had to call it a night, but I am not calling it quits. I will continue searching, I will not vacuum until I find it, and I will rent a metal detector if I have to, but you can rest assured that I will not give up!

And as I was despondently pulling at carpet tufts last night, my lost purity necklace suddenly flashed into my mind a reminder of how easy and oh how simple it is for a girl to lose her pure heart. My necklace is a symbol, a reminder, and its temporary loss does not change the fact that you can find my heart securely given to God and to my father. But its loss does flood my mind with the renewed realization that all it takes is one careless, unguarded moment, and a girl’s heart can be lost for years.

Proverbs 4:23 reminds me how constant my watch must be:

“Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.”

 I have friends who at one point had given their hearts to their Daddies, but when the temptation came, they pulled off the delicate golden chain that held their hearts safe and flung them into an unknown jungle by choosing to give their hearts to a young man who can hardly grow a soulpatch much less a God-centered relationship.

I know girls whose hearts never were satisfied with that protection of their father, and the delicate gold is sadly dull from so many painful heartbreaks.

And I know a wise wife and mother at church who, every chance she gets, tells me, “Give your heart to your father and leave it there.”

There are those of you girls who, like me, who have heard this every day since toddlerhood, and we face the danger of complacency.

There are those of you girls whose fathers may not be saved or whose fathers may not think about these things, and you face the danger of indifference.

There are those of you girls who may have already lost your heart before, and you face the danger of giving up.

Mark my words, each one of us faces grave dangers to our hearts in this fallen world. There are charlatans who want to own it. There are novels and movies that want to stealthily filch it. There are philosophies that want to control it. But ultimately, the greatest danger, the most treacherous enemy of our hearts is our own pride.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it?”

When I am queen of my heart, it cannot be God’s, it cannot be my father’s, and it cannot be safe. Any girl who allows a young man to steal her heart dethroned God first and became queen herself, and that is the root problem. 

Proverbs 6:20-24 describes the symbolism behind my necklace and any girl's commitment to purity:

“My son, keep your father's command, And do not forsake the law of your mother. Bind them continually upon your heart; Tie them around your neck. When you roam, they will lead you; When you sleep, they will keep you; And when you awake, they will speak with you. For the commandment is a lamp, And the law a light; Reproofs of instruction are the way of life, To keep you from the evil woman, From the flattering tongue of a seductress.”

And whether I find my lost heart tonight or tomorrow or a year from today, my father’s commands and my mother’s law are still ornaments around my neck, and my true heart is not lost. And whether you began giving your heart to God and your father five years ago or last week, or will begin in two seconds, you can know that we serve Jehovah-M’Kaddesh, the God who sanctifies hearts. Where does your heart lie?

 

Boys on the Down-Low

Krystn Palmer Photography

Ah, boys. Those creatures who, at the beginning of my life, I loved to run with and make believe with and beat at table games. The ones who taught me how to correctly shoot hoops, challenged my pride when I was ready to give up in a game of tag, and got away with a whole lot in front of gullible me. Then, naturally, as I entered my teen years, things began to change. There just wasn’t that same chummy friendship anymore. We had different interests and different lives.

I remember the year I suddenly discovered that I had a power common to every woman in the world. Not to beat a boy at Uno or make him laugh at my knock-knock joke. No, I had the power to make a boy look at me, talk earnestly with me, and even pick me out of a crowd. It has taken many years for me to come to terms with that power, for it is really something I’d rather not have to worry about. And yet, the fact of the matter remains: God created man and woman to choose a partner and covenant together for life, based on not only His will and the guidance of authorities, but also on attraction and love. Brandy, one of our readers and followers had this question over our blog anniversary week:

How do you keep your attraction to boys on the "downlow"? What steps do you take to make sure you are not wrapped up in every boy that may be interested in you...keeping your mind on what God has in store for you now and waiting patiently for what He may have in store for you in the future? I guess I am assuming this is easier for you than other girls your age because your blog is rarely about boys or love, which is something on a lot of girls' minds at your time in life. I think your answers could be useful/helpful in training up my daughter.

After I discovered my new power, I tried it out, like a tadpole who has just sprouted legs and is wondering what in the world they are used for. It only took a few tries, however, to realize that my power was not worth wielding—it could not only hurt someone else, but also me as well. I came to recognize flirting and close relationships with men as selfish. So as I’ve struggled to keep my emotions in check, I’ve found a few helpful practices along the way.

Talking with My Parents

Phew! I know, I know—it’s harder than it sounds. But as I’ve opened up with both Mama and Papa about attractions, I’ve actually become less embarassed about the whole thing. It is not wrong for me to be attracted to someone, but how I handle that attraction brings the opportunity to err or succeed. My parents keep me accountable in my interactions with young men, and that is a powerful incentive as well.

Scripture instead of Fantasy

Perhaps I’m the only one, but the writer in me loves to compose the perfect romance story with me as the perfected heroine. My mind is always busy on something, whether my taxes due in one week, my latest teaching conundrum, my college assignment, or my very own fairy-tale. If I train my mind onto the things of God instead of the things of the world, however, God has a powerful way of honoring that choice by reducing my temptations and revealing Himself to me. What can be a stumbling block becomes a magnificent opportunity for fellowship with my Creator.

Avoiding Close Relationships with Men

I’ve written at length about this before, so I hope you read "An Honest Heart" if you haven’t already. It’s also worth mentioning that I do not subscribe to “dating” as the world defines it, and you can read the series Lauren and I wrote last year about this starting here. To summarize, however, I don’t believe that men and women should be close friends. We should treat members of the opposite sex as if they were taken, because they most likely will be married someday.

I do think about boys and love, and I certainly hope to get married. However, I always have to come back to Philippians 4:8:

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”

It is not virtuous for me to flirt with men. Gossiping with girlfriends about crushes or handsome celebrities is not of good report. It is neither lovely nor pure for me to dwell on guys in my thoughts. Because of this, there is a regular, purposeful choice in my heart to keep my attraction to boys on the “down-low.”

Brandy, you asked a tough, but wonderful question. I am by no means qualified to give you advice on mothering your daughter, but I hope that by answering this question from a daughter’s perspective, I have helped you and the rest of the daughters and mothers who read!

 

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Don't Tangle With Character

A few weeks ago, I went to see Tangled in the theater with some friends. It was funny, charming, entertaining, romantic, creative, and beautiful to see. And I came out with those warm fuzzies that most Disney princess movies leave me with; Tangled seemed to be continuing the tradition of Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast. As a female, I was somewhat bothered by Rapunzel's attitude towards her "mother," despite the fact that the woman she disobeys and runs away from is not actually her mother, but rather her kidnapper. Rapunzel doesn't know this, however, so we discussed the quandrary as we walked out of the theater. Was it right, was it wrong? How will it affect viewers?

Now, I'm not the type to swoon over fake guys set up in fake storylines with fake good looks. I've never "fallen" for an actor, nor have I wished that Cinderella's prince would leave her and come bounding out of the TV screen for me, or that Darcy would come to his senses and end up with a nice, modern, American girl. However, the unfortunate result is that I'm much less critical of masculine characters. I bristle at the feminism portrayed in so many films, and I react to the sorry worldliness of so many of the females in films. I noticed and rejected some of these same attributes in Tangled. However, it didn't even occur to me to think about Flynn Rider (Rapunzel's savior and love).

Until a guy pointed it out to me. Here is a man who is an unremorseful thief, an unashamed traitor to his country, and an excellent liar. He is conceited, selfish, and lazy, but he is also good-looking and seems to have "chemistry" with Rapunzel, so I and the rest of the theater audience (read: little girls) didn't really notice. To be fair, the 100 minutes teach him a lot of life lessons, and he loses the conceit, the selfishness, and the laziness. He learns to love someone other than himself, and he learns the beauty of helping others when there is no benefit to him.

Hmmm.

There is no apology. There is still not much remorse. The implication is that the love of a beautiful woman suddenly transformed him. And what's wrong with that? Almost every Hollywood love story worth its weight in candy hearts and rose petals has the rogue-boy-meets-innocent-girl-and-melts-into-a-good-boy-before-her-angelic-charms. But I have seen this storyline play out in real life too many times to be deceived--very rarely does it work out so well for the innocent girl. Almost always, the innocent girl is the one charmed into thinking that her love transformed this man, only to discover on her honeymoon that he is still a rogue. He has never changed, and he very likely will never change.

And then there's the guy's perspective. Tangled has been billed as a movie for girls and boys--but what are the boys supposed to think after watching the hero steal and fight and lie his way through the first sixty minutes, only to magically change in the final third of the movie? Do we really want men to think that they can spend their prime in dissipation until they finally decide to succumb to that legendary ball and chain? This is certainly not the type of man I am looking for, and Flynn Rider should be the last choice--not the first--for a princess.

Yes, I've turned 160 degrees in my opinion of this latest Disney offering (I'm not to the 180 stage yet, because my eyes are still glittering with the amazing paper lantern scene and my ears are still ringing from the soundtrack). I've never properly analyzed male characters, but now I realize that they are just as abused as all the terrible female characters I've groaned over through the years. Can we have a love story where two flawed, imperfect human beings who nevertheless possess strength and character fall in love not out of their mutual hatred for each other but because of their tandem worldviews and mutual admiration for each other's strengths? Pop some popcorn! I think I hear Little Women calling my name.

P.S. Next week we will be celebrating two years of blogging on One Bright Corner. There are so many exciting things planned, starting on Monday!

Painting by Jean-Honoré Fragonard (1732–1806)

An Honest Heart

Boys and girls…men and women: somewhere along the way, these relationships go from simple, delightful friendships to complicated interactions with expectations (or a lack thereof) on both sides. As a child, I would muddle through the scenes in a Louisa May Alcott book where a character tries her hand at flirting, only to realize its power and devastation. However, I honestly could not grasp the meaning of flirting. It took a personal experience—life mirroring literature, I suppose—before I finally comprehended the dangers of flirting and understood its power.

As a young woman who wants to keep her heart whole and pure for one man (please read our series on courtship), I do not cross certain boundaries that God has set in my life. The virtues of single-minded devotion to God and the dangers of entanglements with foolish people are advised on repeatedly in Scripture, and especially Proverbs. Thus, these boundaries I follow have been influenced by wise counsel (both from my parents and other wise people), wise examples (both from Scripture and daily life), and wise principles of the Bible. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life."

Men and Women Cannot Be “Just Friends”

What a great lie Hollywood and our modern, casual culture has sold to the general public. Trying to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is like trying to sleep with fire—it will almost always get out of hand. I cannot even understand treating a man as my “brother”—I have such a close relationship with my brothers that to treat another man as I treat my brothers would be highly inappropriate. Certainly, I know guys, and we talk occasionally. But any typical friend activity meant to develop a relationship (phone calls, emails, IMs, long conversations, repeated texts) is off limits because it knits us together in a way that is unprincipled unless we have defined a clear purpose for our relationship (courtship, engagement…marriage).

Men and Women Must Treat Each Other With Respect

Aah…where are the Pride and Prejudice days of old where everyone was “Miss” and “Mister”? This, of course, was just an outward sign of respect and distance between acquaintances. There was no “hon” and “sweety” and nicknames after one week of friendship. A life-changing moment for me occurred while sitting in a huge auditorium listening to a family answer questions on courtship. The wise mother gave some genius advice that I have never forgotten to this day: “Everyone says, guys treat the girls like sisters, and girls treat the guys like brothers. But this is not right! Such a relationship would be too close. I have come to encourage my children to treat every person of the opposite sex as if they were already married.” The majority of the population will be married, and God already knows each and every match—in His eyes, I may as well be married (if marriage is indeed His plan for me), because He is already preparing my future spouse and I for each other. How presumptuous and selfish and corrupt is it then, for a man to come and meddle with my heart, knowing that he has no intention of marrying me, and stealing affection that is not his? Or, how dishonest and despicable of me to do the same with a man! Thus, treating each other respectfully, as though the other person were already married, is a wonderful way to avoid most problems.

Men and Women Are Not Designed for Each Other’s Entertainment

Oh, how immensely diverting it is to talk with a young man and realize with excitement that he actually doesn’t seem to mind talking with you, that he occasionally even seeks you out, and that you might hold some sort of power over him! And the young man looks across the room at a girl and smiles, seeks out a place next to her during a church dinner, and compliments her on her looks. Just one of these instances is flirting—but flirting rarely stops with just one. It begins the progression of a friendship into something more, when one or both of the parties involved are merely enjoying themselves and the feelings of power and self-worth they experience. Meddling with another's heart and feelings with no commitment to him or her is the height of selfishness--don't do it!

It doesn’t have to be this way, though. I have been among forty or more Christian young people, living together, eating together, studying together. Together, we had mutual, serious goals—to know and glorify our God. Together, we encouraged each other to do this each and every day. No one was “scared” to converse with someone of the opposite sex, but everyone kept it in balance and kept each other accountable. Girls did not use the boys to make themselves feel prettier and more desirable, and boys did not use the girls to make themselves feel more powerful and desirable. There was no using, no flirting, no “innocent” friendships where neither person is innocent. Instead, there was Christian love, mutual respect, and whole, pure hearts. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God (Matthew 5:8)." This, ladies and gentleman, is one of the best ways I know to shine with dazzling intensity in your own corner.

PS--For an excellent read on this topic and the dangers of emotional affairs, check out the book above!

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Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

The Man of My Dreams

Night was falling fast; it was already dusk, and frogs began to warble, and the crickets chirruped their pleading, dissonant chant. The moon was slowly rising above the little hill, and the field of wild sunflowers was slowly shrinking into the shadows as each pretty head drooped downwards for a pleasant rest. As the oldest of the six brown-haired kids clustered around the murky pond, I reckoned that it was my responsibility to give them the ending signal.

"Come on guys,” I said, breaking through the night’s enchanting sounds. “It's time to go in.”

“Aw, please Amy? We only got three tadpoles,” Joe, eleven years old, protested.

But I stood firm, and soon had them all herded into the house—quite a feat actually. Mom was waiting for us. She efficiently whisked the protesting young ones away to bed, and stillness soon blanketed the house.

I had the unspoken duty of taking care of the tadpole triplets, so I poured the squirming bodies into a bowl full of creek water and placed it on the counter. Eventually, I made it upstairs to the attic-style room that I shared with the second oldest, Beth. The hot room smelled of nail polish and bleach, so the window was wide open, filling the room with a glorious night-time perfume. Beth was already asleep, her chest moving up and down with each deep, loud breath.

I was just falling asleep myself when I felt a startling jab on my back. I jerked around to see what it was, only to find Sam, my three year-old brother; he gazed up at me precociously, his eyes rounder than any I had ever seen before.

“Can I sleep wif you?” He asked, climbing into bed without waiting for an answer. I sighed, and then smiled, resigning myself to company for the evening.

“Come on Sammy. Snuggle under.” I tucked my blankets around him and me.

A few seconds of blissful peace ensued, during which my energetic thoughts became increasingly more fuzzy and incoherent, and my heavy eyes began to droop. Instantly they shot open again when Sammy’s voice rang out. “Tell me a story,” he commanded.

My older-sister instincts kicked in. “No hon, not now,” I soothed. “Right now is bedtime, not story time.”

Sam didn’t like that very much; he begged, pleaded, berated, and abused, becoming so loud and downright annoying that he woke up Beth. But I finally managed to get him to settle down, threatening him with every applicable punishment that I could think of. Again the room was quiet, but now I couldn’t sleep. My thoughts persisted in rolling around each other, like the numbers in a bingo spinner.

“Sammy,” I whispered at one point, “are you still mad at me?”

“Yes,” came the brusque answer.

"Don’t you love me anymore?” I continued, trying to get him to break down and forgive me.

“No. And I won’t pick you any more flower, ‘cause you won’t tell me a story,” he replied, in a shrill voice.

I knew that he would forget the whole thing by morning, as he always did—but I still wished that he wouldn’t get so angry with me. In the end I gave up and rolled over onto my stomach to try and get some sleep. Sammy had crept all the way on the other side of the bed with his back to me; now he pulled all the blankets on top of him, and I was left shivering in the cold draft coming from the window.

For the third time that night, I was almost asleep, until a little hand crept across my back, encircling me in its embrace. This time I forgot any annoyance and was instead filled with elation.

“I love you,” I whispered hopefully into deep blue darkness.

“I love you too.”

“Are you still mad at me?”

“No-oo.”

I lay there for a while, grateful for a brother, however young, who loved me. I thought about my girlfriends, some already flirting and going out with boys. Why did I need to, when I had a cute boy who would put his chubby arms around me, stroke my long brown hair, and tell me that he loved me? I decided then and there that if I ever married someday, it would be to the same kind of a man: warm, friendly, comfortable, and unconditionally loving. Someone that you didn’t have to flirt and put on a show for. With a peaceful darkness enveloping the room and the stars shining through the window like glistening glass shrapnel on velvet, I leaned over and softly kissed Sam, assuming that he was asleep by then. But he opened one bright eye to look at me.

“I’ll pick you a flower t’morrow, Amy,” he mumbled. I smiled, sleep forgotten; that was the icing on the cake.

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The Scarlet Letter in Blood

Condemned.

She never even saw them coming. But suddenly they were upon her, wrenching her up from behind as her shriek filled the air. “Silence, you shameful harlot!” the religious men bellowed at her. Their insults they threw at her like stones, and as she parted the veil of hair across her face, she shuddered—the deepest, most sinister hatred ever seen blackened their eyes. Her shriek caught in her throat, but her tears poured freely from her eyes as the men, arrogant in their righteous indignation, hauled her to her feet and dragged her through the streets. Sandaled feet scurried out of the way, anxious to avoid contact with such a woman. Children sucking thumbs gazed unblinking at the spectacle before them until their mothers rushed up and herded them far, far away to air untainted by such a sinner. Bearded men stood stoically along the road, nodding their heads in alliance with the woman’s accusers, and watching until she was out of sight. A public spectacle of shame—it had no meaning for a woman who was about to be a public spectacle of death, and her tears flooded her sallow cheeks unheeded. Her breath came fast and shallow, and she closed her eyes to steady the horizon that dipped and churned before her.

Suddenly, she heard the murmuring of hundreds of people, and through her tangle of hair she could see the crowd parting. Her accusers dragged her with a final ferocity, and threw her down to the floor of the temple; she caught herself with her hands. “Teacher!” she heard the men say, their voices ringing with self-assuredness. “This woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do you say? (John 8:4-5)” The crowd erupted in vociferous horror and indignation, and the room echoed with their exclamations, but noise dimmed in the woman’s ears, for she stole a glance upward at the One who was called upon to decide her fate. Her eyes met His, and her heart wrenched within her at what she saw in His beautiful eyes: love.

Condoned.

A beautiful, richly blessed life. A loving, committed husband. This woman, however, is strangely unsatisfied, and desperately miserable. Nothing makes her feel good anymore, nothing in her existence is worth doing, and life seems but a burden. Confusion abounds.  So she simply walks out. She leaves her husband amidst his pleadings to work on their marriage, turning a deaf ear to it all, for she must work on herself. She finds satisfaction in another man, and then another. Finally, she is living the life she wants, the life she had only dreamed of before, and she is stuffing her inner emptiness with food. And then, in a moment to remember, she meets a religious man in India, and as she stands before him and he tells her she must forgive herself, she finally feels—as empty as before.

But the audience of this latest Hollywood offering Eat, Pray, Love (which I have not seen, only researched) is told that now she is fulfilled. The audience gets up off of their popcorn littered seats cheering for this woman who had the courage to fulfill her own selfish desires in utter disregard for God and those around her. But when the theater is empty and the cameras are gone, Liz Gilbert, whose sad story was glorified for this movie, will feel just as empty as before. She will still feel “sad, brittle, and about seven thousand years old.”

The woman in John 8 faced brutal death and condemnation; Liz Gilbert faces suffocating life and commendation. The woman of Scripture was dragged before all the people, her oldest friends, and her family in deepest shame; Liz is flaunted on the red carpet. The adulterous woman was empty, broken, and helpless; Liz is empty, but very proud of her sin. The condemnation broke the woman of John 8, and the commendation will break Liz, too. Though our society does not drag people to the town square to stone them for adultery, they might as well when they glorify sin, making a public spectacle of its supposed nobleness—the result is just the same. The one brings physical death, but the other brings spiritual.  I don’t know Liz, but I do know that without Christ she is still the same woman she was before her quest for self-fulfillment, except that now she is working desperately on forgiving herself.

But what of the one we know only as the “adulterous woman”?

We left her panting for the air that would not come, wiping her tears with a hand already wet, and meeting the eyes of the One she had never known, but who had planned this moment of meeting for her from the beginning of time. She is trapped, deserving of death, and as she looks around at the upraised arms gripping  the sharp stones, she realizes that this is the end. Max Lucado writes:

“What does Jesus do? (If you already know, pretend you don’t and feel the surprise.)

Jesus writes in the sand.

He stoops down and draws in the dirt. The same finger that engraved the commandments on Sinai’s peak and seared the warning on Belshazzar’s wall now scribbles in the courtyard floor. And as he writes, he speaks: ‘He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.’ (v. 7).

The young look to the old. The old look in their hearts. They are the first to drop their

stones. And as they turn to leave, the young who were cocky with borrowed convictions do the same. The only sound is the thud of rocks and the shuffle of feet.

Jesus and the woman are left alone. With the jury gone, the courtroom becomes the judge’s chambers, and the woman awaits his verdict. Surely, a sermon is brewing. No doubt, he’s going to demand that I apologize. But the judge doesn’t speak. His head is down, perhaps he’s still writing in the sand. He seems surprised when he realizes that she is still there.

‘Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?’

She answers, ‘No one, Lord.’

Then Jesus says, ‘Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.’ (vv. 10—11).

If you have ever wondered how God reacts when you fail, frame these words and hang them on the wall. Read them. Ponder them. Drink from them. Stand below them and let them wash over your soul. Or better still, take him with you to your canyon of shame. Invite Christ to journey with you back to the [adulterous moments] of your world. Let him stand beside you as you retell the events of the darkest nights of your soul.

And then listen. Listen carefully. He’s speaking.

‘I don’t judge you guilty.’

And watch. Watch carefully. He’s writing. He’s leaving a message. Not in the sand, but on a cross.

Not with his hand, but with his blood.

His message has two words: Not guilty.”

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