An Honest Heart

Boys and girls…men and women: somewhere along the way, these relationships go from simple, delightful friendships to complicated interactions with expectations (or a lack thereof) on both sides. As a child, I would muddle through the scenes in a Louisa May Alcott book where a character tries her hand at flirting, only to realize its power and devastation. However, I honestly could not grasp the meaning of flirting. It took a personal experience—life mirroring literature, I suppose—before I finally comprehended the dangers of flirting and understood its power.

As a young woman who wants to keep her heart whole and pure for one man (please read our series on courtship), I do not cross certain boundaries that God has set in my life. The virtues of single-minded devotion to God and the dangers of entanglements with foolish people are advised on repeatedly in Scripture, and especially Proverbs. Thus, these boundaries I follow have been influenced by wise counsel (both from my parents and other wise people), wise examples (both from Scripture and daily life), and wise principles of the Bible. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life."

Men and Women Cannot Be “Just Friends”

What a great lie Hollywood and our modern, casual culture has sold to the general public. Trying to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is like trying to sleep with fire—it will almost always get out of hand. I cannot even understand treating a man as my “brother”—I have such a close relationship with my brothers that to treat another man as I treat my brothers would be highly inappropriate. Certainly, I know guys, and we talk occasionally. But any typical friend activity meant to develop a relationship (phone calls, emails, IMs, long conversations, repeated texts) is off limits because it knits us together in a way that is unprincipled unless we have defined a clear purpose for our relationship (courtship, engagement…marriage).

Men and Women Must Treat Each Other With Respect

Aah…where are the Pride and Prejudice days of old where everyone was “Miss” and “Mister”? This, of course, was just an outward sign of respect and distance between acquaintances. There was no “hon” and “sweety” and nicknames after one week of friendship. A life-changing moment for me occurred while sitting in a huge auditorium listening to a family answer questions on courtship. The wise mother gave some genius advice that I have never forgotten to this day: “Everyone says, guys treat the girls like sisters, and girls treat the guys like brothers. But this is not right! Such a relationship would be too close. I have come to encourage my children to treat every person of the opposite sex as if they were already married.” The majority of the population will be married, and God already knows each and every match—in His eyes, I may as well be married (if marriage is indeed His plan for me), because He is already preparing my future spouse and I for each other. How presumptuous and selfish and corrupt is it then, for a man to come and meddle with my heart, knowing that he has no intention of marrying me, and stealing affection that is not his? Or, how dishonest and despicable of me to do the same with a man! Thus, treating each other respectfully, as though the other person were already married, is a wonderful way to avoid most problems.

Men and Women Are Not Designed for Each Other’s Entertainment

Oh, how immensely diverting it is to talk with a young man and realize with excitement that he actually doesn’t seem to mind talking with you, that he occasionally even seeks you out, and that you might hold some sort of power over him! And the young man looks across the room at a girl and smiles, seeks out a place next to her during a church dinner, and compliments her on her looks. Just one of these instances is flirting—but flirting rarely stops with just one. It begins the progression of a friendship into something more, when one or both of the parties involved are merely enjoying themselves and the feelings of power and self-worth they experience. Meddling with another's heart and feelings with no commitment to him or her is the height of selfishness--don't do it!

It doesn’t have to be this way, though. I have been among forty or more Christian young people, living together, eating together, studying together. Together, we had mutual, serious goals—to know and glorify our God. Together, we encouraged each other to do this each and every day. No one was “scared” to converse with someone of the opposite sex, but everyone kept it in balance and kept each other accountable. Girls did not use the boys to make themselves feel prettier and more desirable, and boys did not use the girls to make themselves feel more powerful and desirable. There was no using, no flirting, no “innocent” friendships where neither person is innocent. Instead, there was Christian love, mutual respect, and whole, pure hearts. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God (Matthew 5:8)." This, ladies and gentleman, is one of the best ways I know to shine with dazzling intensity in your own corner.

PS--For an excellent read on this topic and the dangers of emotional affairs, check out the book above!

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Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.