True Story

In our town of less than 50,000, we have no fewer than (wait, let me think…that first one…Fred Meyers…Safeway…that one by the bridge…the new one…is that all?) aha! Apparently, five Starbucks. It’s a rather astounding number for a town founded squarely on the shoulders of lumberjacks, but—after all—we are less than two hours away from the original Starbucks (I’ve been there, and it’s a beautiful thing). Although we can’t afford to frequent Starbucks too often, Mama made the time to meet a friend there one time last week after dinner.
She barely made it out alive.
It all started when, after consuming a cup full of frothy liquid, she had to visit the restroom. All was well until she flushed the toilet. Her first inkling that all was not well was when the toilet pipe alarmingly wrenched to the right and began spewing a waterfall of (clean) water at her. A girl’s gotta have priorities at a time like this, of course, so she rescued her new purse and then attempted to rectify the problem. Water shutoff valve? Negative. New plan—get help! Unfortunately, the “help” behind the counter was in the form of ineffective teenage girls who stared at Mama with even more cluelessness than she felt.
With no one able to find a water shutoff valve, and with water now beginning to pour out of the flooded bathroom and into the Starbucks (did I mention that this was our NEW Starbucks?), someone suggested calling the fire department as a last resort.
“Yeah,” put in a customer, “I’m a 911 dispatcher, and we should definitely call for something like this.”
“Ok,” said the Starbucks employee, somewhat timidly. “What’s the fire department’s number?”
Yes—be afraid. Be very afraid. I believe it was at this point that Mama considered escaping with her friend and following the tsunami evacuation route to avoid the imminent danger of a massive wave of water, coffee, and blonde baristas. However, being the brave soul she is, she stuck it out. Meanwhile, the water was positively flooding this Starbucks—our nicest, newest, most bee-yu-tiful Starbucks in town!
When the firemen finally arrived—sirens blaring—the men in red themselves searched for a water shutoff valve. Guess what? No valve anywhere to be found in that fancy-schmancy haven for coffee connoisseurs with water inches deep everywhere. To solve the immediate problem of water gushing out of a hole in the wall at an alarming rate, the water was turned off at the street, thereby effectively turning off water for the restaurants and businesses lining our city’s busiest road—a highway, actually.
With darkness enshrouding everything and blond baristas and loyal customers pushing water out with brooms, the firemen found the problem (apparently they double as plumbers), conversed with the just-arrived manager, and were able to turn the water back on. Mama, still soaking wet, filled the manager in on the details and gave her contact information.
And then she headed home to regale her family with the most outrageous tale they had heard for weeks. We’re still waiting for the official Starbucks apology and $50 gift certificate. Hey, patronizing Starbucks might be a dangerous job, but somebody’s got to do it!

Pictures are courtesy of Mama and her cellphone--thus the poor quality. They should be appreciated, because it took me 1-1/2 hours to figure out how to get them off the phone and onto my post for your viewing enjoyment--and proof! Of course. Because no good story is quite so good without proof.