Keep the Change

Is anyone as sick of the health care bill as I am? Little wonder—Obama first unveiled his plan back in 2007—the “good old days.” Thus, I realize, I have been hearing the monotonous drum roll of President Obama’s “one-beat-wonder” for three years now. My response has run the full gamut of emotions, from confident scoffing, to bitter distaste, to annoyance, to wide-eyed disbelief, to nervous pleading, to depression, and then—always then—back to the recollection that my God is guiding President Obama to accomplish His sovereign will.

But as this bill is signed into law today—as the Democrats succeed on the century-old mission they have been chasing like a hound after a raccoon—it is much too easy to squint one hundred years into my beloved country’s future and see no future at all. I begin to feel like the Separatists in England, though that is just my dramatic inclination, since American Christians have yet to experience any persecution like the Pilgrims faced. Yet, I still feel an irresistible urge to separate from this runaway Toyota with the “off switch” jammed “on”. A lunar colony looks pretty inviting right now…any takers?

I begin to think like the brave benevolent Oskar on Schindler’s List after he rescues countless Jews from Hitler’s regime—“I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more….If I'd made more money... I threw away so much money. You have no idea. If I'd just...”

And his friend replies, “There will be generations because of what you did.”

“I didn't do enough!”

“You did so much.”

“…I could have gotten one more person... and I didn't! And I... I didn't! I could have done more.”

This was the biggest pro-choice advancement since Roe v. Wade, and I witnessed it. I always did wonder—did those living through Roe v. Wade feel the outrage of the future millions who would die? Did those watching Roosevelt establish socialized programs realize the long-lasting repercussions? Did those cheering on the first income tax—paid only by less than 1% of the population—grasp the horrible precedent it established? And then I shudder to consider that I do not even begin to comprehend the echoes that will still be heard centuries from now stemming from the horrid beat of today’s drum.

I look back at Oskar, hunched over by his own guilt, and think that he did more than could be expected from one man. Will the harsh analysis of future history books say that of me? Of my generation? Did I do enough? I blogged. I debated. I prayed. I informed others. I emailed my representative over and over and over. There were times, though, I was too discouraged to email. I never did get through by phone. I didn’t march or protest publically. And I certainly could have prayed more.

But through the tears, the guilt, the foreboding, and the sick nauseous feeling that has stayed with me this week, I sit here and sip my tea. I am not too distressed to drink or eat or laugh or live. So do not comfort me, because I know that the distress I do feel will dissipate in time. I will not always feel so helpless, betrayed, and defeated. I say with Mr. Bennet in Pride and Prejudice:

“Who should suffer but myself? It has been my own doing, and I ought to feel it.”

“You must not be too severe upon yourself,” replied Elizabeth.

“You may well warn me against such an evil. Human nature is so prone to fall into it! No, Lizzy, let me once in my life feel how much I have been to blame. I am not afraid of being overpowered by the impression. It will pass away soon enough.”

“Will the Lord cast off forever? And will He be favorable no more? Has His mercy ceased forever? Has His promise failed forevermore?....And I said, ‘this is my anguish; but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High.’ I will remember the works of the Lord; Surely I will remember Your wonders of old….Who is so great a God as our God? You are the God who does wonders; You have declared Your strength among the peoples (Psalms 77:7, 8, 10, 11, 13b, and 14).”